By Katie Ginn
A few weeks ago, Stephen sat at the kitchen island and listened patiently while I slipped into a good old-fashioned spiral, ranting about All The Things I Wasn’t Good At and All The Things I Needed To Do, some of which overlapped. Here’s what led to my rant:
Other than meeting deadlines for this magazine, I was roughly a month behind on work: podcast editing, event planning, etc. That week, I’d been staying up late – catching up not on MCL tasks, but on things like NBC’s “The Voice” – and sleeping too late to spend time with God.
That morning, I’d felt uptight before my day even started. I’d met with friends to discuss MCL’s upcoming WomenWrite retreat, and instead of enjoying my friends and leaving energized about what we’d planned, I’d felt like the life had been sucked out of me. I’d gone to the gym, come home, eaten lunch, showered … and taken a nap. By the end of the day, I’d only managed to complete a few tasks.
Now I was telling Stephen I felt inadequate; I felt like nobody really liked me or wanted to come to my events (despite the fact that I get really positive feedback on said events). I “knew” my feelings were not facts, but I “felt” otherwise.
Finally, my rage gave way to tears. Stephen and I moved to the couch, and I asked him to pray for me. Even after he prayed, I still thought I’d never get rid of the lump in my throat until I could hide away somewhere and sob it all out. When I suddenly felt hungry, I was happy to let dinner distract me.
The next morning, I got up early enough to sit on the back patio for a few minutes. I thanked God that my value was found in Him and not in my accomplishments or attention from others. I read a little scripture. But I still struggled.
See, I had agreed to attend a “lunch and learn” at Saving Grace Women’s Home in Brandon. Saving Grace is an awesome Christian ministry for women coming out of addiction, but I wondered if I was wasting time driving 45 minutes each way for a free meal. (I live and work in the Gluckstadt area.) Shouldn’t I be working on All The Things instead? But I had committed to the lunch.
So I got cute. I put on my favorite Maybelline lip color that stays on through meals, and in the car I listened to my new favorite band, The Red Clay Strays. My sunglasses matched my top, I was drumming the steering wheel – I was cool. Yet I still had a stress ball in my belly.
Finally, I pulled into Saving Grace a few minutes late. The presentation had already started. As I walked in and sat down, I heard the speaker talking about how the Saving Grace leaders pour lots of biblical affirmation and encouragement into the women who come here – because those women have been believing lies from the devil. Lies about their worth.
OK, God…
I don’t know that I’ve fully processed what I felt in that moment. But I knew I needed God’s love and affirmation as much as any woman in that house.
If you’ve read this column for long enough, you know I’m still figuring out how to depend fully on God for my worth. I’m used to being pretty good at things, so I tend to find my value in that. Then when I’m “bad” enough at enough things, or get too far behind, I can spiral if I’m not careful.
But the longer I live – as a believer, as a business owner, as a wife – the more God reminds me that He loved me from the start. He loved me before I took my first breath or did anything good or bad. And He valued me enough to die for me. As Jesus said, nobody took His life from Him. He chose to lay it down (John 10:18), and not because I’d “earned” His favor (Romans 5:8).
May we always look to the cross, where Jesus proved how much we’re worth to Him. May we trust what God has to say about us and not what our feelings or to-do lists say. And may we always look to our good, great, worthy God before we ever look at ourselves.