By Barby Martinez
Decades ago, at the tender age of 18, I sat across from my then-boyfriend, whom I thought I loved and who I thought loved me, terrified, shaking, and said: “I’m pregnant.”
His first words were not of comfort or compassion as I’d hoped; instead, they were: “I know where we can go to take care of that.” In that moment, shame washed over me. Shame for my promiscuity. Shame that he didn’t want the baby. Shame that I was living a lie.
In that shame, I did what he wanted. We scheduled it. He paid for it. I sat through 10 minutes of “counseling” at Planned Parenthood and was taken to a cold, tiled room where I aborted my baby. It all took less than an hour. I told no one except the father. I thought, “Maybe this is best. Now I can just go on with my life. No one needs to know.”
I could tell you all the “reasons” I did it. But I knew it was wrong. I knew and loved Jesus. The pro-choice movement simply told a good story that I wanted to believe: “People do it every day. It’s no big deal. It’s not really a baby. It’s a simple procedure. This is an easy fix.”
Yes, people do it every day. Tragically, millions. But the rest of that story? Lies. It’s a huge deal; it is a baby; it’s not simple … and nothing was fixed. The boy and I broke up. Wrecked and alone, I stuffed it all inside.
I told no one. I tried to “forget about it and move on.” I married an incredible guy, and we had three beautiful daughters. But abortion haunted me: I was short-tempered, impatient, always doubting Jesus’ love for me, and keeping people at a distance … even my husband.
I was so afraid that if anyone ever found out, I would lose everything. In a million ways, the Lord pursued me with His grace, loved me, and reminded me that I was forgiven. But I could not accept it. I remained silent.
Twenty-two years after my abortion, in a desperate attempt to atone for my secret sin, I walked into the Center for Pregnancy Choices, hoping to volunteer. Former director Barbara Beavers was kind, gentle, and attentive. For the first time ever, I told someone my entire story, through tears and grief.
Barbara extended mercy and grace. She invited me to a Bible study for post-abortive women and changed my life. Now I live in freedom and forgiveness in Jesus. I can tell this story healed and redeemed, free from shame and condemnation.
Every day, the lives of babies, mothers, and women like me are saved at the CPC – a safe haven for all life, even those who have taken a life. Words of gratitude are not enough for this ministry, and I am forever thankful.
Barby Martinez has volunteered with CPC Metro for 16 years. She and her husband, Rick, live in Madison, and they have three daughters.
