By Alexis Ellis
The life I have led as a mental health patient has had its ups and downs. From my first memories of being in elementary school, I could feel the nervousness inside me – the warm rush and tremble in my body when my first-grade teacher would ask me a question, and despite knowing the answer, I would not say a word. But I would look around for my cousin. Never socializing, I only went to school and worried if the other kids would play with me.
I was an only child. My home life was different. My mother showed me love, attention, and tried to instill in me the fight I needed to make it.
Growing up as a teen in the early 1990s, at 12 I had a nervous breakdown when I got into a fight at school with a classmate. I blacked out, and I do not remember anything but my teacher calling my name. I was angry beyond measure, in a rage because of the years of being bullied and internalizing the pain. My self-esteem was low, and I did not know that the release of pressure from that fight would change my life forever.
By the time I reached high school, I excelled in school. Still, my mind was not focused on anything but love. Because of this, I spent many days concentrating on my poetry and my journal. I was going to go to Holmes Community College and Mississippi State University and become a journalist. Well, things did not actually turn out that way.
After entering Holmes, writing for the Growl, and spending my time on campus meeting people who loved writing like me, I became burned out and tired. I stopped writing for a long time. In the summer of 2001, I became severely depressed and started eating nothing but cereal and sandwiches.
I told my mom how I was feeling and that I did not want to be here anymore. She took me to the doctor, and they put me on suicide watch for one night. Then I went to the hospital for a week in the psychiatric ward. I did not want to go, but I had to. This was the first of many hospital visits, and from that point until today I have been pushing myself forward into recovery.
After that summer of 2001, I went back to Holmes and graduated in 2002. Then I started back writing in my journals. I began reading the Bible in 2003 and rededicated myself to God.
I began publishing online on February 15, 2008; I felt empowered to find readers. The obsolete website Associated Content is where I first started publishing my poetry online. It took four years for my work to become noticed significantly. In 2012, my poem entitled “Naturally” received 600,000 or more page views. I was ecstatic! This one event in my life as a poet gave me the confidence to help others through my writing and the determination to never give up on myself.
Alexis Ellis, 42, is from Lexington, Mississippi. She has a Master of Arts degree in Education from the University of Arizona Global Campus. She is a member of Maynie Street Church of Christ in Yazoo City. In her spare time, she enjoys volunteering, transcribing, and watching retro television.